In light of trying help “kooks” learn from my undeniably lame mistakes, I am going to create a small list of inappropriate actions. I really don’t have any right to explain unwritten rules to beginners, because essentially, I am a beginner. However, I am a blogging barney, and if I can help a poor soul be saved from a pitchforking local, I will.
1. BE PENSIVE PRE-PADDLE
Have you ever been so excited to paddle out that you don’t wax up, forget your leash, sunscreen, and self-respect? So much so that your veins are nearly popping out of your neck and your eyes out of your sockets? Well most surfers have. This is what influences surfers to put there wetsuits on backwards, or inside out, or even FORGET a wetsuit. However, driving to the beach with golden retriever-like stoke can get you (the beginner) in trouble.
If you pull up to the beach and see a breaking wave, and 50 rubbery dudes and dudettes swarming the peak like bees to honey, stop and ask yourself some questions. While paddling out, will I ditch my board at some point? Will I paddle out in a frother’s line? Am I uncomfortable with the size and amount of people? Will my ability level put myself or others in danger? I know, I know, pretty serious stuff for the barn. Well, I have answered YES to all of these questions throughout my journey, and still paddled out. These have been some of the most frustrating, shameful, exhausting, and humiliating sessions of my life. Just go to a different peak, you will have more fun anyways.
Hmmm.. I think if I take off in front of that guy, maybe I won’t hit that guy… Should be fine.
2. PARTY WAVES ARE PARTY FOULS
This is a hot topic. “Dropping in” can be preformed by surfers of all levels for various reasons. If you would like to avoid soul-penetrating stares and snarls, heed this one warning. NEVER DROP IN!
4 years ago, I almost got my first barrel! Piha Beach in New Zealand was cracking. The waves were folding and bending in front of a large cliffside, creating a perfectly slopping right that slowly meandered to a racey inside tube section. This trip was NUTS, and I hope to eventually explain it in more detail in “Barney Tales”. Anyways, a feathering union of swell energy converged and began to cover the horizon. My jaw dropped with awe, and my eyes fixated on the power source as I began to paddle, and try to make it to the takeoff zone. I turned, and the rolling mound of energy picked me up, and before I could blink, I was standing. The wave then started furrowing, and I could see water drawing off the bottom, and the wall in front becoming increasingly vertical. I bent my knees, tucked my head, and entered a different dimension.
As you probably know, I didn’t make it through the tunnel. However, I came up to the surface with a smile on my face. My first (almost) barrel. As I paddled back to the lineup, a local asked, “Looked like a sick wave mate, how was it?” I answered, “It was soooo sick, I got barreled!” I was as giddy as a school girl. He stared at me with this utterly disgusted look, as if he just saw his Mom flirting with his high school science teacher. He said, “You know you dropped in on me right?” He then paddled away. The feeling of shame that was vibrating from my chest to my stomach was making me sick. He had kicked me off my high horse. He had shattered my spirit with one passive-aggressive comment.
That just wasn’t right BARNEY!!!
So remember, look over your shoulder, and if someone is on the wave, don’t go. Keep your head on a swivel, and try to respect priority. Remember the 3 P’s; the surfer closer to the Peak Packs the Portal.
3. DONT SURF IN GROUNDHOG DAY
This is a very abstract surf comparison, but I think it will get the point across. This phenomenon is definitely not unique to beginners, and barns such as myself. The difference is that the learning surfer does not realize he or she is doing it.
How many times have you been out at your local when; the sky is clear, the wind is light, expectations are high, but there just seems to be ONE guy that is the root of all your frustration in the first 30 minutes of your wave-less sesh. Here is how it happens. There you are, out in the depths of the great pacific ocean, waiting for a left to take you to glory. A wave starts breaking in the distance, but there is a surfer closer to the peak. To heed the warning I mentioned in rule # 2, you let him go and watch as he flies down the line, all the way to the beach. Perfect! You’re up. It’s you, and only you waiting at the peak – the next wave is yours.
Some time passes between sets, lets say 5 minutes (enough time for a paddle out perhaps). A wave starts breaking in the distance, but there is a surfer closer to the peak. To heed the warning I mentioned in rule # 2… Wait a second!! I said that already. That wave, with that surfer, with you in that position, JUST happened, didn’t it? A foul concoction of confusion, and hatred starts to seep through your bewildered mind. You suddenly feel like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day. I told you, kind of abstract. But this moment happened already. Twice. Maybe even three times.
Of course waves are a resource, but it is better to share that resource than to be an ***hole. Right? Barns, kooks, and hodads will do this, thinking that they have priority, but not realizing they must follow an unwritten etiquette. On the contrary, seasoned surfers will pull this stunt on surfers they deem as barns, kooks, and hodaddys. So, this was directed toward the beginner, only because they are learning, but it should be a rule of thumb for the masses. Please don’t surf in Groundhog Day, and show some consideration for others. It is never cool to be THAT GUY who paddles back to the peak to grab every set wave.
I hope you enjoyed! Please let me know if there is a topic that you would like for me to touch on next. The barn lives to rap another tale, SHAKA!!!
– The Blogging Barney