Hello there!!! Is it really Thursday again? Nope, it’s the weekend (the boss is going to fire my a**); I’m pretty positive the universe knows that I’m trying to be consistent at one thing (finally) and decided to flip the Earth-spinning-speed switch from “normal” to “fast”, and laugh at my juggling act. That’s ok, I welcome writing day with open arms—I actually enjoy educating my fellow barns. If you’re curious (which you’re probably not), this is how the process takes place on Thursdays: as I prepare to write these epic tales, I really like to exaggerate my hunched-over writing posture (think Hunchback of Notre Dame, or surfboard rocker). I then start listening to music (usually Bob Marley, or cigar-smoking Cubano) to help blow up the dam that’s inhibiting my creative juices from flowing like the Mississippi. Next I blankly stare at a computer screen, or out the window (mostly watching dog owners follow dogs around with poop bags; who owns who?). At this point, after procrastinating and writing down the date, I have to go to my real job and make real money; then with the snap of a finger, it’s Friday or Saturday (in this case, Sunday) and you guys are thinking, “stupid barn, where’s our content!!”
It’s here! I’m here for you guys, so let’s get into it, right? Well first, some people think they know my identity, so I want to clear up the confusion; click the link below for an actual picture of me without an emoji covering my face! I’m tired of being so secretive.
http://www.marcoantoniosolis.com/
Sorry for the rant. Like last week, my post this week will aim to help you guys learn from my mistakes (even if some of you surf at a higher level than me, or than the targeted audience, keep reading and give me some feedback on how I can better help the barn community).
Let’s get to it. With so much surf footage on YouTube, Insta, and other surf media outlets, it’s easy to start thinking that what you’re watching is simple; it’s not. Everyday we wake up, puffy-eyed, relentlessly searching for our phones that are somewhere under the blankets, just to scroll though and watch perfect, crystal clear A-frames steamrolling through beautiful reef passes. We consume perfect surfing throughout the day. Everything is just so perfect! Unfortunately, that can cause issues (like social media usually does). These are PROS, and usually they are surfing super dangerous, shallow, head-fracturing spots—they make it look deceivingly easy. I definitely touched on this point in “3 Simple Ways to Rid Your Inner Kook. Accelerated Results!” but I wanted to take a deeper look at rule #1. Hopefully I can save at least one reader from Michael Myers-induced terror caused by bigger, more powerful waves.
Surfing can stoke the adrenaline fire that burns within your heart, but there is always a limit that takes practice and patience to surpass—I’m just here to make sure you’ll make it to work on time, or to that Tinder date you’ve been waiting for all week. With that said, as you sit on the cliff; or on the parking lot bench; or the rocks where you’re eyeing the jump-off spot, observe before you even change into your wetsuit. Here is what you should be asking while observing (again with the damn questions barn?).
- How big is it? This is the classic question that every Sun-fried personality utters on a daily basis. Although this question is usually used to assess whether it’s big enough, and fun enough to surf, you should also be using this question on BIG days to see if you should surf. When “checkin’ it”, mentally compare what you see from the beach to the biggest day that you’ve ever surfed. Well, can you see it? Now think about what would happen to a baby trying to run before learning to walk. Similar results can ensue if you paddle out. (Stay tuned, I have quite the story about this exact situation happening to me and my mop-headed buddy at Lennox Head.)
- Who’s out there? Is it only lip-battering shred gods, or do you see a surfer with your equivalent level out there? This is important. If you can’t determine how big it is just by watching, ask yourself this question. So basically, if the peak is packed with barrel inhabiting superhumans, perhaps just enjoy the show from the beach. Just ask J.H: one time he paddled out at a heavy, barreling slab on the north coast of Maui, and spent more time getting dragged on sharp lava rocks at the bottom, than actually surfing. Pros, and a beachside audience watched as he shattered his board, ripped his leash, cheese grated his appendages, and washed up on the beach. (Kinda’ scary, but the way he told me the story had me laughing myself into a dizzying exhaustion; this should definitely be written from his account in greater detail.)
- What’s at the bottom of this wave? This question only really pertains when you’re traveling, or surfing a spot that you don’t normally surf. If your “local” has a sand bottom, then you don’t have to constantly ask yourself what’s under there; just remember—sand. However, (I’m guiding you through yet another scenario) what if you and your team of stoke-infected aquatic enthusiasts, following the scent of glassy offshore wind, come to a screeching halt in a parking lot overlooking an isolated right-hander, seamlessly breaking to the beach; do you just jump right in? It may be tough not to, but try to first assess what’s underneath. Look at the coastline surrounding the area; is it rocky and hilly (probably a rocky reef bottom), or does it consist of miles of flat beach or sand dunes (probably sand bottom)? Can you see the water bubbling up near the wave (it’s shallow)? Be conscious of the spot and it’s features—your board, and possibly your body will be very appreciative.
- Is there a current? While a rip can help you get out into the lineup, it can also keep pulling you past the lineup until you float to Hawaii (being lost at sea would suck, just ask Tom Hanks). This is a bit trickier to see than other obvious ocean phenomena. Firstly, if there are surfers, are they all paddling in one direction? If the answer is yes, the current is usually sweeping to the opposite direction. As you scan the line-up, look for inconsistencies in water movement—you’re searching (glassy peak); your searching (sand-churning foamy area); voila!—there’s the rip, stay away from that area, and save your strength.
In conclusion, surf media, accessibility, and mean bystanders can influence barns to paddle out into some heavy, full-on-hectic situations. It’s happened to me too many times, and not until I got better, and more comfortable in the ocean, did I realize how dangerous it is to paddle out on days that are way above my limits. Let’s complete a quick experiment: after you read this, walk over to your leash, and measure its length with a tape measure. If that leash measures half a foot longer than the length written on the packaging, that means it was stretched, and that you have probably been ditching your board. This is a telltale sign that you’ve probably been surfing waves that are a little above your ability level. I’m not saying don’t push yourself, but as barns we have to understand that Mama Ocean is powerful, and without proper guidance from peers, there could be a barney-shaped hole in the sand at your favorite break; I know there’s one at mine, I just hope it accentuates my flowing locks, and Southern Italian nose.
Oh man, this is hectic!! 
Damn it!!!!!
Another one down! If this was too basic, shoot me an email and tell me to go f*** myself, and if you enjoyed, also email me, or comment below—I benefit from the feedback. Hit me up at [email protected]. Shaka!!!
-Barney Beadette