Hello fellow barns and barnettes!!! I hope you’re having a great weekend. I’ll skip the rant where I apologize for not posting consistently—I’m trying, I swear! Today is a little different; as the March Madness championship draws closer, I thought it would be great timing to host my own March tournament. I have created a bracket for surf personalities that you have probably noticed at your local break. Keep reading to find out who the players are, and who will be crowned champion!
The Grom!!
Overview: The grom is the featherweight champion of your local lineup, but be careful; they will shoot you an adorably innocent, toothless smile of admiration while burning you on a wave they deem you too old (and fragile) to make. With lightning bolt levels of energy, powered by chocolate chip cookies, milk, and naptime, the grom can strike fear in the hearts of even the most sun-dried, mean-muggin’ local enforcers. Their age ranges from zero to the mid teenage years (depending on stature, skill, etc.). Surfing is their world (well, there’s school too, but we all know what they’d rather do with their time), they consume an addictive amount of surf footage, and stay up to date with the latest trends in maneuvers. Based on the acrobatics of the modern day, surfing twelve-year-old, I can’t fathom what type of face-melting assault waves will have to endure ten years from now—the grom holds the future of our oceanic playground in their hands.
Board Type: Pointy, high-performance thrusters.
Kinds of Wave Surfed: one foot to triple overhead.
Shred-mobile: Mom’s minivan.
Shred Score: 8/10
Froth Levels: 10/10
Surf Frequency: 7/10
Surfboard knowledge: 5/10
Future Surf Potential: 10/10
Overall Rating: 8/10
The Soul Surfer!!
Overview: Money is not an object, nor is time for the incense-lighting, stylistic, alternative sliding masters of your local lineup. The soul surfer has traveled the world with a god-sent pursuit of finding spiritually uplifting, unoccupied grooving vortexes of breaking water. They live the true, modern day vagabond surf-lifestyle (the real deal!).
An ancient, off-white van slowly screeches and fights its way to a dead halt in the local parking lot—and as the sliding door on the side opens—psychedelic fumes explode out and upward, dancing towards the heavens to a Hendrix tune. Woaaaaaahhhh, who is it, barn? I’m getting there. Once the cloud disperses, a silhouette starts to take form… You guessed it: the soul surfer, with bronzed skin, engaging eyes, and tea in hand steps out into the sunshine to greet mama ocean.
Board Used: Twin fin, single fin, retro twin, retro single, log.
Kinds of Wave Surfed: 3 foot to 3 foot overhead.
Shred Score: 7/10
Froth Levels: 7/10
Surf Frequency: 10/10
Surfboard knowledge: 8/10
Future Surf Potential: 4/10
Overall Rating: 7.2/10
THE SOUL SURFER
The Surfing Insta Couple!!
Overview: The surfing Insta couple is becoming somewhat trendy in the surf world. You will see them attempting to frolic (as a couple) in board shorts/ bikinis in 56 degree water while holding back teeth-chattering shivers in your local lineup. Like the soul surfer, they’ll also show up to the parking lot in a van; however, theirs is usually buffed and polished with a vibrant and reflective color (Ford Econoline, G10 Chevy?). The surfing couple has to budget three hours daily for surf related activity: 1.5 hours spent on an Instagram photo shoot at the van and walking to the beach, 30 minutes spent on jealousy inducing, spray-catapulting carves (it’s too damn cold to surf longer in board shorts, and bikinis!), and 1 hour spent on a chill sesh by the van after surfing.
Board Used: Modern twin fins, high-performance thrusters.
Kinds of Wave Surfed: 3 foot to double overhead.
Shred Score: 9/10
froth levels: 6/10
Surf Frequency: 7/10
Future Surf Potential: 9/10
Surfboard knowledge: 7/10
Overall Rating: 7.6/10
THE INSTA COUPLE
The Pro!!
Overview: The Pro is the admired, all-eyes-on-me surfer in your local lineup who rarely misses a wave (close to never). They are literally “at work” while taking every wave from you, as you struggle to find ONE before you have to go the office (I’m not angry, you are). These rippin’ machines of godly proportions push the boundaries of surf every day. Whether it be gracefully slipping and sliding down the line to a high-flying takeoff, soaring directly over my quivering body (I shouldn’t be surfing southside), or aggressively performing an ACL-tearing slash that perfectly trims my overgrown beard as I’m paddling by (I shouldn’t be surfing northside either)—they truly have it all. Ask the Pro in your local lineup if they’d be willing to throw a blogging barney sticker on their board, I could use the cred!
Board Used: High-performance shortboards, big wave guns.
Kinds of Wave Surfed: 1 foot to bombing jaws.
Shred Score: 10/10
Froth Levels: 9/10
Surf Frequency: 10/10
Surfboard knowledge: 7/10
Future Surf Potential: 7/10
Overall Rating: 8.6/10
THE PRO
The Grumpikins!!
Overview: In the past decade, what were once small, beachside towns, have become densely populated melting pots where the city meets the ocean. It’s super simple—let’s take Southern California for example: great weather all year long, plus beautiful landscapes and beaches, plus thriving nearby cities, plus the “California Dreamin’’ ideology, equals people pushing and shoving their way into the state (I’m guilty as charged). Although crowds on the roads, the beaches, and—most importantly—the surf are the current reality, it doesn’t bode well for members of the community that were here before the “hustle and bustle.” Thus, be careful when saying hi to the grumpikins in your local lineup; they may just shoot you a look (stink eye) that pierces through your mental froth. Stay strong, and keep that positive attitude, otherwise you’ll soon be back on the beach, head in hands, trying to ignore the kissing noises from the surfing Insta couple.
Board Used: High-performance shortboard, retro twins and single fins, fun boards, long boards.
Kinds of Wave Surfed: 2 foot to double overhead.
Shred Score: 7/10
Froth Levels: 4/10
Surf Frequency: 10/10
Surfboard knowledge: 8/10
Future Surf Potential: 4/10
Overall Rating: 6.6/10
THE GRUMPIKINS
The Barney!!
Overview: We have a lot to unpack with the barney/ kook. They associate surfing with the beach and usually decide to pick up a surfboard on their drive from inland—surfboards make a great tanning companion! When it’s 56 degrees at your local, and you see a beach-goer in a bathing suit, toes in the water, holding a large foam shred-stick, scratching their head while looking out into the ocean—and it’s NOT the Insta couple—you’ll know who it is.
However, there are different levels to the barney. You’ll also see the barney on most days, claiming waves of inconsequential significance, while attempting to perfect his bottom and top turn (maybe even just a turn). The barney has not been surfing long (it’s the fight in the dog, not the dog in the fight; does that make sense?), but the surf sickness has crept in overnight, seeking to destroy all their hopes of living a “regular” life with “responsibilities.” You see, the barney walks the line between earth and ocean—a vessel of both worlds, you might say—because they view and indulge in surf culture through an outsider’s lens. Was that a stretch? Definitely. Anyway, what the barney lacks in skill, knowledge, and experience, is made up for with pure and innocent, hyperenergetic, grom-like enthusiasm and curiosity.
Board Used: Ben Gravy soft-top, fun board, egg, retro board found in garbage from the 70’s, BIC board, high-volume thrusters.
Kinds of Wave Surfed: 1 foot to head-high.
Shred Score: 3/10
Froth Levels: 10/10
Surf Frequency: 7/10
Surfboard knowledge: 4/10
Future Surf Potential: 10/10
Overall Rating: 6.8/10
THE BARNEY
The Retiree!!
Overview: The retiree is the loyal stoke-lord who is out there everyday, no matter the conditions, no matter the crowd at your local lineup. Wouldn’t you do the same if you were retired (I’m already giving it my best shot and haven’t yet started a career)? This envy-evoking surf personality is the icing on the surf scene cake. They are the furthest in age from the grom, yet the most comparable in mentality.
A hopeful wife calls the retiree: “Honey, it’s a beautiful day, can we take a nice walk through the park, and feed the birds?” A perplexed look forms on the retiree’s face as he throws on his shades, jumps into his Ford, and with an are-you-serious tone replies, “I’m goin’ surfin’, babe.”
Get out there, and make us all proud, retiree!!
Board Used: Long, very long board, like a ten footer.
Kinds of Wave Surfed: 1 foot to 3 foot overhead.
Shred Score: 6/10
Froth Levels: 10/10
Surf Frequency: 10/10
Surfboard knowledge: 8/10
Future Surf Potential: 2/10
Overall Rating: 7.2/10
THE RETIREE
The Checkin’ It Crew!!
Overview: From your local lineup you can catch a glimpse of the checkin’ it crew. They are perched on a cliff, viewing the surf and surfers in a similar fashion to bird watchers at a Northern Cardinal breeding ground (Cue the feathers flying everywhere). They’re all wearing sunglasses, surf brand snapbacks, as well as holding a yeti thermal full of coffer (I think it’s coffee). I believe they are contemplating whether or not they should get wet—note: this is a polar opposite ideology of the retiree’s anytime-anywhere-any condition mentality. I’m pretty sure that the checkin’ it crew are surfers waiting for the surfing stars to align; however, they could also be Russian spies, or terminators sent from da’ future to destroy the COVID surf crowds? Hmmmm…. Naaaa!
Board Used: Not sure, never seen them surf.
Kinds of Wave Surfed: Again; NA.
Shred Score: 0/10
Froth Levels: 10/10
Surf Frequency: ?
Surfboard knowledge: 8/10
Future Surf Potential: 9/10
Overall Rating: 6.75/10
THE CHECKIN’ IT CREW
THE PRO IS THE WINNER
Well, another one down!! I hope you enjoyed it, and if you disagree with my picks; too damn bad (I’m kidding, I love the feedback). I know, giving the pro the big “W” seems kind of boring, but that’s literally their job, and they surf pretty f***ing good. Shaka!!!
– Barney Beadette
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
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